


Hard to Have a Honeymoon Phase

by InkToTheLaptopScreen



Category: Sam & Max, sam and max freelance police
Genre: But she'll be fine, Established Relationship, I lied the geek is harmed, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Original Character(s), Sexual Tension, but no harm will be done to said preteen!, i want to say secondhand embarrassment but thats just for you guys, more will be added as i work on the story, uhhh the threat of destroying a preteen's innocence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-12
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-04-24 04:52:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19166200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InkToTheLaptopScreen/pseuds/InkToTheLaptopScreen
Summary: The Honeymoon Phase is the period of time where a starting relationship is fresh and new, leaving a new couple giddy with love and affection. Sam and Max are trying to settle into it by starting with a romantic night together, which proves difficult with the lives they lead. Things like work, obsessive fans who stalk you and pop up at any time, and preteen geniuses are just some of those little obstacles the freelance police have to face before they can get down and dirty.Edit: I see that this has been picking up a bit, so I'd like to ask that you check out my writing tumblr please! Trying to get a bit of a boast there, so please take the time to check it out and follow if you'd like! https://inktothelaptopscreen.tumblr.com/post/190136761270/hello-again-all-i-am-reworking-my-commissions





	1. Chapter 1

There was nothing quite like the ‘Honeymoon phase’ in a new relationship, especially when you’ve already been friends with your new lover for so long, as was the case for Sam and Max, freelance police. After a long and boring, not worth writing about, tale of romance and pinning, tears and adventure, and especially love, the two “policemen” have finally come together as a couple and have dove head first into that sweet phase. Not nearly a day after confessing their love for each other, they return home after a riveting but tiring case, one that kept them from being as close as they would have liked to have been with their emotions still running high. They were able to flirt from time to time, however, after years of not having the guts to do so before, and it was enough to put them in a rather, shall we say, cuddly mood as they made their way back into their home/office. As soon as the door was opened, Sam wasted no time scooping Max into his arms, appropriately bridal styled.

“Isn’t it a little soon to be carrying me over the threshold, Samuel?” Max giggled, uncharacteristically affectionate, but still unsurprisingly so. He was the one who started the flirting, in fact, a little more on the physical side. He had been bumping into Sam as they walked, made a point of seeming to get distracted with the material of Sam’s suit and tie, tugging on the latter sometimes to get the dog’s attention and even feigned being thrown into his arms in the middle of a showdown. Being scooped up like this was certainly welcomed.

“I could put you down anytime you’d like,” was what Sam said, but the look in his eyes would make one doubt the truthfulness in his words. All day he seemed to be eager to point out how touchy-feely Max had become and laugh at any excuse that was made for it. His flirting was more on the verbal side as one could guess, seeing that he had an interesting way with words. It was the simple things that got to Max the most, though. There were compliments that he assumed were bottled up for some time, like on his smile and ears, even his tail which made Max quick to question why Sam seemed to be so enthralled by his tail, or rather, the area in which the tail was located, at all. Said questioning was always met with a chuckle and a promise that they’ll talk about it later. “Later” was also a response/promise to a few of Max’s own suggestions of what they could have been doing instead of focusing on the mission that had been at hand. If they were to check their imaginary watches, it happened to be ‘later’ now.

“I didn’t say I didn’t like it.”

“It’s a darned shame we’ve reached our stop then.” Sam gently sat Max down onto his desk, who pouted up at him before having his vision attacked by a hat being shoved into his face. Max took the offending headwear and put it on his own head, between his ears. He leaned back and his pout was immediately replaced by a large grin when he was met with the sight of Sam rolling up the sleeves of his shirt, with his jacket and tie nowhere in sight, the first couple of buttons undone.

“Usually a man rolling up his sleeves is a sign of hard work soon to come,” Max says while twirling a finger around the end of one of his ears as if it were hair.

“I’d have to agree with you there.” Sam traps Max in between his arms, leaning in close to his face. “Considering all the ideas you gave me earlier, it’s going to be a long, hard night, with a lot of long, hard work.” He punctuates his words with kisses to Max’s neck, who has one hand gripping onto the fur on the back of Sam’s head, and the other on his shoulder.

“Mm- how about a real kiss first? If we’re going to do this on the desk, I’d at least like the illusion of romance first.”

“I thought you hated romance.”

“Just kiss me you big lug.” Sam didn’t need to be told twice. The moment the words had left the rabbit’s mouth, Sam was sending him down into the desk with a kiss that took no time in becoming deeper with every move of their lips. It was their first heated kiss since they became a couple only yesterday, and it seemed like the lack of practice from being each other’s first partner in a long time didn’t slow them down. In fact, it was all the more exciting and passionate. Every unsaid bit of tenderness and affection, every act of devotion that had to stop before it went too far, every look, every lingering touch, and every moment that could have screamed “I love you,” was being poured out into this kiss.

They both needed more.

Max wanted to rip off Sam’s shirt and pants, and Sam wanted to get his clothes off without damaging them. He had just forced Max’s hands into the wood of the desk for the third time when the phone rang. Out of habit, both of them shot up straight, prepared to fight over the honor of answering the phone in hopes of a case from either the commissioner or The Geek. But, before either of them could start their usual chant of “I got it! I got it!”, they locked eyes and took in the sight of each other; they were both disheveled and panting, smiles from the excitement they got from hearing the phone ring sliding slowly off of their faces as they stared into each other’s eyes, and still very close together. On the third ring, in nearly perfect sync they crashed back into each other, with Sam this time slamming Max into the desk, breaking off of Max’s lips to pepper his neck in kisses once more, finally unbuttoning his shirt with one hand. The phone continued to ring in the background and brought the terrible pang of justice and responsibility with it.

Max groaned in a mix of annoyance and pleasure. “Maybe whoever it is will get the hint after a couple of hours.”

“And here I thought we’d be holed up in here all week,” Sam teases from his spot just above Max’s pelvis that he had slowly kissed his way down to. Max, who has had his hands mostly confined to the back of Sam’s head, yanked on one of Sam’s ears hard in response to that comment, getting a pained laugh out of him. Sam opened his mouth to say something else witty, but the phone almost seemed to ring louder, giving off the same feeling of a crabby woman in her 40s clearing her throat to get an employee’s attention before opening the gates of hell during an otherwise peaceful day. Sam sighs and looks up apologetically at Max, earning a pat on the head for it. “Let’s hope it’s a telemarketer.”

“Oh, I hope so! Watching you yell over the phone when they don’t take ‘no’ for an answer is such a turn-on.”

“Good to know.” Sam straightens up and leans against the table where their phone continues to screech for attention, eyeing Max who has suddenly found the need to turn his back to Sam and practice his yoga on the desk. The position? Downward dog, of course. Sam has to turn a laugh into a cough when he picks up the phone, feeling his cheeks heat up as he shakes his head. He greets the caller and, for once, deflates at the sound of the commissioner’s voice. This doesn’t deter Max in the slightest, however, because as the commissioner rattles off the details of their next mission, he takes to turning back to Sam and spreading his legs open and relishing in the way Sam drinks in the sight. He rolls his hips at him and very quietly lets out an exaggerated moan.

“Oh, Sam!”

Sam shushes him from his spot in the room, laughing into his hand out of pure embarrassment and still managing to occasionally chime into the phone with a yes, yeah, or uh-huh. Max is just about ready to just pounce on him mid-call when Sam finally slams the phone down back onto the receiver. He walks back over to Max and gently rests his hand on his cheek and, to Max, it's a hopeful sign that they get to continue where they left off. That hope is quickly squashed when that same hand retrieves the hat that had been placed between his ears earlier and returns it the head of its rightful owner.

“Sorry, little buddy. Duty calls.”

Max whines and flops back onto the desk. “Do we have to?”

“I’m afraid so. I didn’t take in most of what he said, but the panicked and shrill tone of his voice made it sound urgent. We’ll just have to try and make it quick.” Sam is shrugging his jacket back on, mumbling how he might have heard something about “the fate of the world, or something or another” before pecking a kiss onto Max's forehead.

“Not to be selfish or anything, but does the world really rank above the kinds of noise complaints we were about to get from the neighbors?”

Sam openly laughs this time, shaking his head yet again. “We won’t get those complaints if there’s no world, unfortunately. In fact, we’d better shake a leg so we can get back here before they’re sleeping too soundly!”

That suggestion is all it takes to get Max off of the desk and dragging Sam out of the office.

* * *

 

The freelance police officers are making their way back to their trusty Desoto after what could only be described as another hair-raising adventure that, while exciting for the average Joe, was just another double-shift for the boys, which is rather disappointing considering they had to put what would be the start of a romantic night on pause. The pair lament on this when they reach the car, taking a moment to lean on it together. They had parked on the edge of some wooded area, leaving them completely alone aside from nature and the rubble of their victory over the second villain of the day.

"Man, even the death laser wasn't enough to make up for the trip out here," Max says with a sigh, thoroughly disappointed. The whole time, they were too busy being annoyed to try to enjoy the job, which seemed to drag on to rub salt in the wound of sexual frustration.

"You said it. Let's just be glad it's over and that we can get home and pick up where we left off." Sam goes to open the driver's door, but stops with his hand on the handle when he hears the door besides him, the back passenger door, open instead. He glances over and sees Max crawling onto the backseats with that mischievous grin of his, staring right at him. He drapes across the seats as seductively as he can, and crooks a finger at Sam in that "come hither" fashion through the windows.

"Who said we had to wait ‘til we got home?"

Sam wasted no time joining him in the back seats, not even bothering to try and shut the door behind him and just focusing on getting his tongue into Max's mouth again. It plays out very similarly to earlier in the office, with Sam on top of Max, both of them trying to get his clothes off, Sam starting to kiss down Max's body, etc, etc. This time, to their utter joy, there is no phone to interrupt them.  
Sam decides to forget about stripping, growling to himself in frustration after fighting off Max's destructive hands again to preserve his clothing. Instead, he sits up and simply untucks his shirt and starts to almost tear off his belt when Max speaks up from under him.

"Uh-oh, I heard that. Did I make the big, bad doggy angry?"

"You know what, I think you did," Sam growls as he leans into Max's face and grabs his wrists. He pins his arms down above his head into the seats before continuing, "and I think a cute, little bunny like yourself wouldn't want to be sicced on, would you?"

"I think we both know I would like nothing more."


	2. Chapter 2

'Well, he asked for it,' is the thought that goes through Sam's mind when he bites down _hard_ on the space where Max's shoulder and neck meet. He is rewarded with a sharp gasp and an embarrassingly high moan, and soon Max is thrashing under him, trying to grind up into him or touch him, but Sam keeps him held down and their bodies separated while he licks at the (assumingly) reddening bite mark. He always had a sneaking suspicion that his friend would be the type to enjoy being hurt. Hell, in their line of work it was probably a requirement to be at least a bit of a masochist and Max, as he is now making clear, is a lot more than a little bit. He begs for Sam to bite him again, somewhere, anywhere, and harder, but Sam doesn't oblige just yet. He lets go of Max's wrists, only to grab him by the ears and easily lift him up and turn him around so he faces the car's window. Sam guides him onto his hands and knees, keeping that tight hold on his ears to keep his head up.

 

"Don't worry, I'll be biting you again when I'm inside of you, M-" he's interrupted by a small  _ thump _ ahead of them. He glances up for a split second, then does a double take before dropping Max's ears and, consequently, his head in shock. "Lorne?!"

 

Max whips his head back to him, the flush in his cheeks darkening tenfold with a sudden rage. "Lorne?” He laughs, bitterly, “I'm sorry, but last time I checked, my name wasn't-" he also catches a glimpse at the window and practically propels himself into Sam's arms with a screech when he sees a face pressing into the glass. "Lorne?!"

 

"That's me!" 

 

It  _ is _ Lorne, the freelance police's ♪ friend for life♪ with his face pressed into the glass. He's smiling as usual, apparently oblivious to what was happening within the car. "Hi guys! Fancy running into you here. I was just on my way to go collect some wood to carve out some figurines of you two. Are you on your way to stop some crime? Can I come?"

  
The boys did their best to make themselves look decent. For Sam, that was straightening up his clothes and for Max, since he didn't wear clothes, that was crossing his legs and keeping his hands in his lap to avoid some imagery that would push this story’s rating up to Explicit. 

 

"A-Actually, we were just leaving, Lorne." Sam had made his way into the driver's seat as quickly as he could. “Maybe next time.” While reaching into his jacket's pocket, he discovered that Max had somehow already fished the keys out and frantically started the car, all before he could even think of those important little means of escape, urging him through clenched teeth to hurry up and drive. Alas, Lorne knew better and had already started to shift his weight to hold the car down in place, his occasional bursts superhuman strength be damned!   
  
“Is that what all those explosions were? Aw man, I can’t believe I missed out on it!” Lorne was completely oblivious to the sound of the car tires screeching as Sam desperately tried to drive either forwards or backward in order to escape him. 

 

"Sam, I don't want our first time together to involve Lorne in any way, but if we have to have sex right here, right now with him outside our car window for that to happen, I just want to say that I don't believe in God anymore."

 

"I didn't think you did in the first place."

 

"You're right, my doubt is just being cemented further." Max props his head up on his fist with his elbow on the door and slumps to the side. He glances at Lorne from behind the glass, who has taken to babbling about something probably related to them and says, "I'm surprised he hasn't said anything about us getting together yet. You'd think he'd be giving us tux fittings for the wedding by now."

 

"You'd also think he would have gotten the hint from getting a front row seat to me bending you over." Sam then gasps, an idea popping into his head. "Say, why don't you let him know all about it."

 

“Gee Sam, is his current level of stalking not enough for you? Do you have some kind of exhibition fetish that you want to include this creep in? Well, I didn’t sign any contracts, Sam! I didn’t sit down with you two and discussed a time and a place,  _ Sam _ ! I didn’t get to discuss my safe words,  **_Sam_ ** !” Max was almost immediately muffled by Sam’s hand slapping over his mouth as his volume had nearly shifted from harsh whispering to screaming.   
  
“No, melon-head,” Sam dropped his hand from Max’s face to rest on his shoulder and started to lightly massage it, “I just thought it was so cute how you were telling almost everyone we saw yesterday about how we were finally together.” He silently prayed that his smooth talking hadn’t decided to show it’s age at this very moment or, if it did, that Max would at least get the hint into the scheme he was trying to execute. He glanced up quickly and saw Lorne was still going on without giving much thought to them, ironically. When he looked back to Max, Sam found him blushing and staring at him with wide but, beady as ever, eyes.    
  
Max placed his hands on his cheeks and giggled, almost embarrassed it seemed, which makes Sam mentally puff his chest out in pride. “Did you really think so?”   
  
“Of course. In fact,” Sam goes in for the kill, dragging his fingers down Max’s cheek and under his chin, tilting his head back and then leaning in ever so slightly, making sure Lorne is still chattering on before saying, “I think it’d be so cute if you did it again, sweetheart.”

 

Max turns towards the window, very, very slowly, and for a moment Sam thinks all that time he spent not working on his charm finally caught up to him. Max then leans back and throws his head out of the window- which Sam had to frantically open before Max hit the glass- startling Lorne who was about an inch away from getting his teeth smashed in by Max’s forehead. He’s starting to ask a question, before being shut up by Max screaming in his face.   
  
“SAM IS GOING TO STUFF AND MOUNT MY PERKY, LITTLE RABBIT ASS LIKE A TAXIDERMY PROJECT, AND-” it would have been probably worth noting that Max was just as vulgar telling strangers that he and Sam had become boyfriends. He continues to scream the gory details into the wind as Sam uses that precious moment of a distraction to slam onto the gas once more and speed off, leaving Lorne gapping to himself like a fish fixed up to sing show tunes in a living room. Max, still screaming his expectations of what their night should be like, doesn’t notice their escape.   
  
“Max.”   
  
“-AND THEN HE’S GOING TO BEND ME OVER OUT THE WINDOW SO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD CAN HEAR ME SCREAMING WHEN HE’S FUCKING-”   
  
“Max-”   
  
“AND THEN-”   
  
“ **Max** ! At least let me get a chance to write all that down so I can review my notes when we’re actually going at it. Just wait a bit ‘til we get home,” Sam laughs, a slight blush rising on his face. He pats and strokes Max’s head, who starts to laugh with him when he finally realizes he could’ve stopped yelling a long time ago. But, then again, Sam did say it was cute, and he meant it. The second their laughter dies down and there is silence in the car,  Max is suddenly cuddled into Sam’s side, drawing circles into his chest with his finger.   
  
“Again, do we really have to wait?”   
  
“I'm not pulling over, nor am I'm risking an accident right now. Besides, I don’t think I can get into the mood again just yet with Lorne’s voice still fresh in my ears.”   
  
“Yeah, me neither, but it was worth a shot.”

 

"You crack me up, little buddy."   
  


 

Despite his earlier claims of not wanting to risk an accident, Sam had no problem crashing the Desoto into the Sub-Basement of Solitude via the same wall in the midst of repairs where they tried the same stunt last time. As usual, they didn't really care about the damage. When you take the most outrageous cases that no one else will, there's usually something to sweeten the pot in terms of payment. Plus, it also helps to have a young genius with more government grants than she can see over living in said basement, who is mostly used to having to fix up the place a few times a month. 

 

The boys burst out of the vehicle, with Sam giving a sympathetic pat atop of the car's roof.

 

"Don't worry old friend, this might actually be a better fate than what would have happened if we stayed in the woods, both with and without Lorne showing up."

 

Max was already on his way through the door that would take them to the stairs that would lead them up to their office, but stops to lean on it as if his legs couldn't support him any longer. "You know Sam, I'm feeling awfully faint, and I don't know if I can make it up all these stairs." His arm comes up and the back of his hand is pressed to his forehead, his body and ears drooping as he lets out the most dramatic, shaky sigh known to man. "But I must," he gasps, and it's a wonder that he hasn't won his Oscar yet.

 

Sam starts making his way towards Max very slowly, old instincts within him making him feel like he was stalking prey, "Really?"

 

"Well, if I remember correctly," Max has enough energy to turn around and hold himself up on the knobs, albeit bent over, and swing his hips in Sam's direction, "a terrible beast of a dog was going to gobble up my little cottontail-ed self in the woods. My only hope is to make it back home, I think."

 

Sam is getting much closer now, hands ready to snatch up Max at any moment, just like that terrible beast he was describing. "Oh no. And, what if you don't make it all the way home?"

 

Max grins. "I'm afraid that he'll take me in the stairwell."

 

What was supposed to happen was that the two of them would take off in that instant and play a delightful game of cat and mouse- excuse me, dog and lagomorph, in the stairwell and see if they would create their scientific miracle of a beast with two backs on either the stairs, or make it home and do it in their apartment, maybe even in bed. But, because the rule of three has not been completed yet, they wouldn't be getting away so easily.

 

"My lab!" 

 

The two "men" freeze in place at the familiar sound of the Geek discovering the latest mess they have made of her pride and joy of a lab. They both scanned the room to see her standing by the fresh hole in the wall right next to their car, luckily with her back turned towards them, gawking at the damage, as one does.

 

"Maybe if we're slow and quiet, she won't notice us," Sam whispered.

 

"WHAT?" Max yelled, because random cases of deafness and a lack of sense sure have a funny way of sneaking up on you.

 

The Geek whipped around to see the door slam shut, a series of footsteps and crashing echoing from behind it. Above the Sub-Basement of Solitude, the freelance police raced into their home, running straight into their office and locking the door behind them. They slumped against the door, panting heavily and listening for any signs that they were followed by an angry preteen. But, there was silence; not even a slight echo from the lab that suggested she was in a rage, and simultaneously they both let out a sigh of relief.

 

"Hello, freelance police."

 

The sighs turned into screaming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took 5000 years for anyone who cares but im happy im actually close to completing something so i hope you've enjoyed. the next chapter should be the last one!


	3. Chapter 3

 

Their sighs turned into screaming.

 

"How did you get here before us?" Max clung onto Sam's jacket for dear life, trying to steady his now agitated heart rate.

 

 "Oh you know, just testing out how the vacuum exit I was building for you two worked. You know, so you wouldn't have to take the stairs. It was going to be a nice surprise, don't you think?" The Geek started making her way towards them, hands behind her back and attitude feigning nonchalance, but with an energy reading for something much more angry and dangerous. Sam and Max scrambled away from her as she moved and huddled against Sam's desk while she stopped in front of their office door in their place.

 

"Look, Geek, we're sorry about this week's mess. We'll make it up to you soon, just not right this second."

 

"Yeah, first we have to take care of some adult business. For instance, fuc-" Max's grossly thorough and detailed description of what he and Sam have been trying to do all day was muffled by Sam's hand clamping over his mouth. It didn't stop him from talking, per se, but it did keep The Geek from hearing the terrible details, which she thankfully ignored.

 

"Oh don't worry, I'll be done with you soon enough."

 

"Wh-what are you going to do with us?" Sam asked with just the slightest tinge of fear in his voice, still spooked from her sudden manifestation in the office, and the threat of whatever is to come. He and Max watched on in a terrible suspense as she unlocked their door and slowly pulled it open, revealing the most terrible torture device she seemed to have on hand.   
  
“Boys, this is “our” insurance agent, Mr. Jack A. Dullboyd."   
  


Just like that, the screams of terror returned as Mr. Dullboyd reached out his hand in an attempt to introduce himself. He looked over to the Geek as the freelance police shrieked, Max trying to climb over Sam with the full intention of escaping through the window, and Sam gripping onto the lagomorph for comfort, hindering said escape. The Geek rolled her eyes and shook her head like she's seen this scene a hundred times, or at least could see it coming.

 

"Ignore them, they're immature and I'm sure you get that reaction a lot."

 

"W-well, I wouldn't say it happens that often-" 

 

" _ Sure _ it doesn't. Why don't we get comfortable before we talk business, Mr. Dullboyd. Tell us all about yourself, I insist. We have  _ all _ the time in the world."

 

"Sam, I don't think I can handle this. He looks like if the color beige was a person. If he was a spice, he’d be flour, Sam!”

 

“Just try and sit through it, little buddy,” Sam says, petting Max’s head in attempts to soothe the both of them, finding the action just as comforting when delivering, “maybe it’ll go by quick.”

 

 And as if their predicament couldn't get worse, because of a cruel and uncaring God, maybe, Mr. Dullboyd seemed to only be capable of droning. Even when talking about something as impressive as his little Susie's first steps this week, or his son's baseball game and how he shows so much potential from how he finally managed to hit the ball this time around, the man was the physical manifestation of a killjoy! Sam can feel Max shaking in his arms the more the man talks, and he knows his lagomorph lover is about to explode, and the chances of stopping it are becoming slimmer and slimmer with every word out of his mouth. Then, there’s finally a beacon of hope when Mr. Dullboyd waves his hand out dismissively when starting a new story- something about completing his stamp collection, probably, not that anyone else in the room is truly listening, saying that probably no one wants to hear about it and they should get on with the meeting and, for once in their lives, the freelance police are eager to agree to start what will surely be an equally boring meeting. The sooner it starts, the sooner it will end, after all. But, of course, there is the Geek and her sadism.

  
“Oh no, please. We’d love to hear all about it.”

 

Like a premonition, Sam senses Max snapping before he hears or sees it.

 

“Oh for Pete’s sake, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!”

  
Like he was an active grenade, Sam throws the rabbit out of his arms and, like the hero he vows to be, and even sometimes is, dives in to save the child in the room from the explosion. He doesn't care for Mr. Dullboyd, so whatever happens to him happens.

Max lands on the desk and he immediately starts looking around the room, laughing maniacally, his head whipping back and forth frantically before his eyes land on Sam. He flips over onto his hands and knees and arches his back, wiggling his ass in Sam's direction while locking eyes with him. He grabs his ears and pulls them back; an invitation for Sam to grab them.

 

"C'mon Sam, just take me already! Right here, just like we wanted to earlier. These two can watch for all I fucking care- the kid can pay for all the therapy she needs after it! He drops his chest onto the desk and brings his knees in towards it, making his backside stick up farther, still holding onto his ears. “Mount and ride me into the fucking sunset, Sammy! Do it!”   
  
Tempted as he was, Sam took account of the child currently struggling in his forearm, seeing as he had it wrapped around her head tightly, cutting off all sights, sounds, and chances to breathe. The punches she was trying to deliver to his arm in order to get free were getting weaker with every passing moment, as were the sounds of her protests and struggling. Someday, she’ll maybe thank him for this.

 

"Max, there's a child present! You've got to control yourself, little pal." But his pleading falls on large but deaf ears as Max continues to wiggle his rear-end in his direction, biting his lip and slowly becoming enslaved and deluded by his body’s wants, giggling like a madman.   
  
“Just throw her out and have at me, goddamnit! If she walks back in it’s her own fault.” Max sits up onto his knees and turns around, then crawls to the edge of the desk and reaches his arms out to Sam whilst grabbing at the air with a loving smile but eyes full of heat. To the honest surprise of what non-lustful sanity that still lies within him, Sam actually steps forward, albeit with the Geek still struggling in his arm, but Max ignores it in favor of his boyfriend finally about to make his night. When he’s close enough, Max rests his hands on Sam’s chest and leans in close as a shiver runs up his spine. “That’s it, I’m all yours.” His eyes slipped closed when he feels Sam’s free hand gently cup the back of his head...

 

And then Sam headbutts him.

 

Hard.

 

Max is knocked off the desk and onto the floor while Sam steps back to rub at his forehead and drops the Geek, who gulps in air from her own spot on the ground. He’s back on his feet soon with Sam's help, who lent a hand when he saw his little buddy struggling to pull himself up, but slumps over against the desk the moment he's straight. At first, Sam rushes to check on him in case he's seriously hurt, but stops in his tracks when Max brings the back of his head to his forehead for the second time today. 

 

"Good lord, what have I done?" Max gasps dramatically, and Sam rolls his eyes. "I was impure! Displaying myself like a common harlot." He looks down at his body and squeals, wrapping his arms around himself to cover up, "I'm even indecent!"

 

"You're always indecent."

 

"Oh yeah, I forgot." Before the banter could go any further, the Geek also rises from the floor, regaining only a small portion of her strength, but furious nonetheless. She is gasping and can only stand enough to be doubled over with her hands on her knees.

 

"What the heck is wrong with you?!" She points a weak finger at Sam accusingly, barely lifting her poor head up to properly narrow her eyes at him. He makes an attempt to soothingly rub her back, and while she doesn't physically avoid it, it doesn't feel appreciated either.

 

"Geek, one day, you'll be an adult of sorts, and together we'll look back on today and you'll thank me for protecting you the way I did. You may not understand it now-" 

 

"Protect me?! Please explain to me  _ precisely  _ what you were protecting me from."

 

Sam covers Max's mouth again, just in case. "Absolutely not."

 

As the Geek takes in another breath to continue her yelling, the forgettable Mr. Dullboyd clears his throat and all eyes land on him. He has one hand on the office doorknob and the other is tugging at his collar, probably as some method to bring his body temperature down to a normal level, seeing that he is bright red for whatever reason.

 

“I-I really think I should be going.” Like a flash of lightning, the freelance police are surrounding him, taking turns shaking both of his hands and patting him on the back, asking if he  _ really _ has to go and telling him to have a safe trip back and, of course, to make sure to write.   
  
“Really, I’d hate to see you go, but I feel like I’m going to love watching you leave, wouldn’t  you agree Sam?”   
  
“You said it, Max. The most attractive part of the male form is his back half, especially when its in motion, moving further and further away from you. My Granny Ruth taught me that one, and I dare say she hasn’t been wrong yet. Shall we help our guest out, my darling and deranged sweet?”   
  
“Oh Sam, you sweet talker, let’s!”   
  


They both grab Mr. Dullboyd, ready to throw him out and be done with him once and for all and deal with what would hopefully be a short rage from the Geek. But, as soon as they got their hands on him and the door opened, he was ripped from their grasp, hurtling upwards with a squawk. Sam and Max look up only to find no sign of him on the ceiling, and when they turn to look around the room in confusion, they only see the Geek with her strength fully returned to her, and a remote in hand.   
  
“Boys, did you forget my present?” She pushes a button, and there is Mr. Dullboyd, being thrown back into the room from a panel in the wall. Ah yes, the vacuum exit. If they weren't so intent on throwing her out, the freelance police would be in awe and showering her in praise and gratitude. For now, the invention is just another thorn in their furry sides.

 

"Why are you still doing this, Geek?"

 

"Well at first it for fun, but now I'm really angry, so it would be appreciated if you two would go back go cowering at the desk." 

 

They knew there was no way out, but that didn't mean they didn't have hope. Max speaks up, "Geek, there must be something-"

 

"I said cower!"

 

_ Now _ they didn't have hope. With crossed arms a pouts to match, Sam and Max return to the desk and assume their previous position of being wrapped in each other's arms while the Geek convinces Mr. Dullboyd to stay and start the meeting. It was mostly him and the Geek talking, and while the less Sam and Max were involved, the better it honestly is for everyone in the room. They stay quiet for a whole ten minutes, having been drained from their day of frustration and running around, lacking the heart to even do much besides cuddle almost sadly as they wait for the meeting or the day to end, whichever comes first. Max speaks up again around the eleventh minute, leaning back and resting his head on Sam’s chest, he asks:

 

"Are we gonna die here, Sam?"

 

"It seems like it, little buddy." Sam grips Max lightly by the shoulders and pulls him away from his own body, turning him around so they face each other. "One last kiss before we go?"

 

Max crosses his arms and tries, and fails, to fight back a smile. "No offense, but you've been kissing me all day and I'm a little tired of your dog-breath." 

 

"Quiet pinhead." He leans down while Max simply tilts his face up towards Sam and waits, eyes closed and smiling, when a choking sound from somewhere in the room stops them inches from each other’s lips. They freeze in place and each crack open an eye, searching around the room  from what could have possibly made the noise, and almost simultaneously they both see the Geek, turned to them and staring with a childish look of disgust on her face: tongue out, eyes narrowed, and nose wrinkled, while Mr. Dullboyd rattled on behind her about their insurance. Max sticks his own tongue out right back at her and she rolls her eyes, turning back to the meeting. 

 

“And she calls us immature! To think, we went through all that trouble when kissing is enough to bother her.” Max turns back to Sam and tries to pull him back to continue where they left off, but Sam is stuck in place with the gears in his head almost visibly turning. “Sam? Earth to husky heartthrob?” Max snaps his fingers in Sam’s face, which snaps him out of his thoughtful trance, no pun intended. Sam looks over to Max, and a smile breaks out over his face. Max himself only has a second to look confused before he’s being lifted into the air with a startled laugh.   
  
“Max, you genius!” Sam dips Max until the tips of his ears almost touch the floor, and his giggles turn genuine as the world around him is flipped upside down.

 

“Sam, you hypocrite! There are children present!”    
  
“Exactly! Hey Geek!” When she turns around, Sam kisses Max with a long, exaggerated “Mwah!”, which both wrings out even more giggles from the rabbit and an “Ew!” from the Geek. That’s the thing about being a child genius: you may be smart and can act as big as you need to, but you’re still just a child. If Sam knew one thing about children, its that they can’t stand seeing adults, especially their parents/ adoptive crime-fighting guardians, kissing. Sam steps forward to her with Max still in his arms. “Aw, come on Geek, love is a beautiful thing, don’t ‘cha think?” With that he peppers kisses all over Max’s face and a couple on some ticklish spots his neck, making him squeal and fight between struggling out of Sam’s hold, and staying put to receive more kisses. The Geek isn’t as appreciative of the scene, covering her eyes and walking backwards towards the office door.   
  
“Gross!” When her back hits the door, she gropes around for the knob and lock, keeping one arm clasped over her eyes. However, even with her eyes covered and squeezed shut, she can still hear and envision her surroundings, like how Sam is probably standing right in front of her, still holding Max who is trying to recover from his giggling fit, with some difficulty. Sam is probably leaning down again so she can hear him whether she wants to or not, and her search for the lock becomes more desperate.   
  
“Hey, Max..”   
  
She’s almost found it, she can feel it.

  
“Yes,” he snorts “Sam?”

 

It’s calling out to her now. Just reach a little more to the right, and-

  
“I wuv you, my snookums.”   
  


That did it.

  
“EW!” Both Max and the Geek voiced their disgust simultaneously, only Max was sent into another laughing fit accompanied by more loud and obnoxious smooches, and the Geek ripped her arm away from her face and turned to the door, momentarily forgetting about the lock and fought to more or less rip the knob out of the wood and free herself. Sam only allowed himself a few seconds of enjoying her plight before turning the lock for her with an, “Allow me.” Then, she was gone as quickly as she appeared, out of the office and out of the apartment, leaving nothing more than her metaphorical up-chucked lunch in her place. Also, her fancy remote which she and the author both forgot about, which would have given her a quick escape and spared her the torture. Oh well.   
  
Max still hasn’t stopped laughing, nor has he stopped being covered in kisses either, so despite what he had to hear come out of his boyfriend’s mouth, he was having a grand time. Still, though, he  _ had  _ to voice his small complaint through his affection-bath. “Sam, that was the most disgusting thing I have ever heard you say, and I loved it.”   
  
Sam finally allows himself to take a break to speak. “Does that mean I’ll have to start calling you ‘snookums’ now?”   
  
“Only if you want your tongue ripped out of your mouth,” he says sweetly.   
  
“I already explore that risk when we’re frenching, snookums.”    
  
“So pucker up again at your own risk!” Max pulls him back in, and this time they go slowly. Sam pushes him up against the door after some time and lets his hands roam up and down his sides and takes delight in how it makes Max shiver. Max keeps his hands on Sam’s shoulders, tilting his head back and lets himself calm down and revel in the attention, letting Sam continue to take the reigns. Their soft moans are only just starting to fill the room when Max suddenly pulls back. Well, he makes an attempt to pull back, but Sam follows the movement and re-connects their lips and Max has to very begrudgingly pull  _ him  _ back with his hands. Panting, he says, “W-wait a second, Sam. I think-” he sucks in a breath and moans when Sam’s tongue finds itself dragging up his neck, “-come on, at least let me talk. I think we forgot something.”

 

Sam lets up, even if for the moment, “How much is it gonna get in the way of us?”

  
“Well, depends on how quiet he’s going to keep being.”   
  
Sam grimaces and slowly, slowly turns around to face what else the Geek and a cruel God left behind: a very embarrassed and uncomfortable Mr. Dullboyd. “Why,” he asks in a tone that sounds like he’s ready to start sobbing, “why, why are you still here?”   
  
With a limp and shaky hand, Mr. Dullboyd points in their direction, funnily enough, looking everywhere  _ but _ said direction. “You- you’re blocking the-” he coughs into his fist, “you’re blocking the door,” and he’s right; they are in fact blocking the door with their making out. Sam drops Max with a long, tired sigh and steps back to reach for the doorknob and be done with this day, once again feeling the energy drain from his body. But, a white paw on his own brown one stops him. He looks over to Max, who has that giant smile with the near sinister glint in his eye, and the Geek's remote in hand. 

 

"Please, Sam, allow me." With the luck of two rabbit's feet, Max presses a random button, and the panel right above where Mr. Dullboyd stands opens up and sucks him in. With another random selection on the remote, the sweet sounds of Mr. Dullboyd being sent through the vacuum system and into the city's night from a few floors above serenade the freelance police as the sun sets on their journey on trying to get into each other's pants (nonexistent for one of them). 

 

"God, I love you." 

 

Max jumps up and, like always, Sam is there to catch him. With his hands clasped together, he nuzzles his face against Sam's. "I love you more. I think we still have time to bother the neighbors. That is, if you'll still have me."

 

Sam can't help but raise a brow at this. "Why wouldn't I?"

 

"Ah, well," Max scratches the back of his head, "I've been seeing the day taking its toll on you, killing the mood and all. I mean, I'm good to go any time and place, but I can wait as long as you need." Immediately, Sam kisses his cheek and it takes everything for Max not to dissolve into a puddle of over-loved goo. 

 

"That's awfully uncharacteristically sweet of you, little buddy." Sam shifts him in his arms and holds him bridal style, just like he did this morning, and makes his way out of the office, towards their bedroom. "I'm ready whenever you are, don't worry your little cottontail about it." 

 

"Well, now's the question on if you can handle me," Max teases. "I mean, rabbits do have a certain reputation to them, and I attend to uphold it tonight." With that, he's thrown onto the bed as if he was nothing more than a jacket being removed and discarded after a long workday.

 

 Then a jacket being removed and discarded after a long semi-workday is thrown onto him, which he uses as a makeshift blanket as he watches Sam strip down, taking his time like he was getting ready for bed and not about to ravish his partner of a lifetime. He gets down to his underwear and doesn't give Max the time to marvel at his body before crawling onto the bed and over Max, and they're looking into each other's eyes as the tension that's been following them all day finds its way into their bedroom. Sam looks over Max and somehow finds something seductive in the way he's wrapped up in his own jacket; he's holding it up to his chest with one hand while he's propped up on his other arm, and it's like he never spent a day in his life as naked as he's always has been- as naked as he is  _ now _ . His ears are down and relaxed, and his lips are parted and his breathing is starting to pick up. It's all nerves and heat, and the look he is giving Sam makes the dog slowly start to grip at the sheets next to his head. Max notices. It makes his legs twitch under the jacket. 

 

Sam rests a hand on Max's cheek, only for a second. Then it slips down his face, then his neck, then it's resting on his chest, feeling how his heartbeat quickens. Then it keeps going down and just when Max is prepared to thrust up into the hand, it changes course and travels down his hip. Eventually, Sam reaches the hem of the jacket and grips it, sliding it down Max's body as slowly as he can force himself to go. Max sucks in a breath and shivers hard despite being so hot, feeling exposed for probably the first time in his life. 

 

He loves it.

 

He's been watching Sam this whole time, of course. He's been watching his face and how even though it's almost a hard expression like he's lost in thought, Max can see everything happen behind his eyes. He seems to be taking in every movement and every breath, and enjoying every second of it. Max realizes it never occurred to either of them to go slow, nor how good it could be. And, it is good. It’s really, really good and when Sam kisses his neck for the umpteenth time since this morning, he thinks back to the threat of a “long, hard night” and how seriously he should be taking it, especially when something with a similar description starts rubbing up against his leg. He grips at the fur at the back of Sam’s head and can’t help the nervous giggle that leaves him.

 

“I didn’t think you were that ticklish, Max.”   
  
With the way Sam is mumbling into his neck, he might as well be. “No, no. I just thought it was funny..”   
  
Sam tries to pull back, but the iron grip on his head stops him and he breathes out his own quiet laugh. “What is?”   
  
“We’ve been spending all day trying to be alone, but I can tell this is gonna be the hottest, most sensual, romantic, most amazing night of our lives-”

 

“Careful, I just might get performance anxiety.” Max flicks his forehead and he retaliates by nipping his neck.   
  
“It’s going to be great,” Max continues with just a bit of sternness from having to repeat himself and trying to act like the nip didn’t phase him, “and no one besides us will get to see it.”   
  
“At least the neighbors will hear about it. Besides,” Sam presses a few sweet kisses into his neck, “I’m sure you’ll find some way to get it out into the world.” Just like this morning, Sam starts to kiss his way down Max’s body, this time holding one of his hands in his own, feeling how Max squeezes it the further down he goes.   
  
“Yeah,” Max lets out a shaky breath and a small whimper, “maybe I’ll write about it.”   
  


 

But he never will. This night was for them alone to share.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "But he never will" and neither will I :3
> 
> FOR real though, thank you so much if you've been following this story! It is the first project I have completed in a long, long time, and it means a lot that other people enjoyed it. 
> 
> Love you all❤❤

**Author's Note:**

> We need more Sam and Max fics I'm suffering through withdrawal so have a little nasty on me


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